One girls opinion

recent posts

about

  • the older I get the more I understand “cranes in the sky”

    Reflecting on my 2025 I have made several revelations.

    Instead of just saying I will eventually visit the places I want to visit and see the things I want to see, I actually went out and saw them this year. I have been losing weight for a few years, saw substantial progress this year and gained some confidence too. And it didn’t fix me.

    I think I held the unconscious belief that if I did the things I haven’t been doing they would make my life better. Seeing as they didn’t, I now feel worse. The less I know the better: the things I identified as solutions to my unfulfilling life have instead introduced more problems. Is this progress?

    I’m running out of ideas to make myself feel better, just like in Cranes in the Sky. I wonder what Solange found to help her out.

    What I’m realizing as I write this, and what I haven’t wanted to admit to myself, is that these issues likely can’t be fixed with a weeks vacation or a new outfit. It feels like I need to start over on a more fundamental level, which seems impossible and also very scary. What if I start over and get the same result? How do I give up everything I’ve built? What do I give it up for?

  • being perfect is not a flex

    Actively avoiding things that are difficult has ruined my life. It feels very vain to admit that most things come easy to me and that I learn extremely quickly. On the surface, it sounds amazing to say that I haven’t struggled, and instead have excelled for most of my life. And that’s because of my little secret: if I wasn’t immediately great at something, I never did it again. I’ll also admit it’s nice that I have been able to rest on my laurels and that has gotten me to a good place in life, but it has also led me to a dead end.

    I started incline walking a little over a month ago. I wanted to be in the “fat burn zone” to lose some weight, and for me that was a 10% incline at a 2 mph pace for 30 minutes. I hated it because I never got any better. My lungs hurts, my calves were burning during every session. Each time, my garmin would say that the workout was great for increasing VO2 max, like that made up for my 30 minutes of misery. After one month, to stay in the “fat burn zone” I now have to either increase my speed or increase the incline. My lungs still hurt (though not as much because my heart rate is much lower now), my calves still burn. And for the first time I had the thought “is this what training feels like, this satisfying?” I feel like I finally understand the satisfaction of progress.

    I do not put myself in positions to get better at things, and if I do I rarely stick with them long enough to see much results especially when it feels like nothing is changing. I finally understand how it feels to build something and see it grow even if that growth is mostly invisible. I have robbed myself of this experience for my life so far because I could not see the utility in it. People who have no other choice but to build may think they’re at a disadvantage, but being able to stick it out and see the work build on itself is so powerful and ultimately makes you a much stronger person. I have been taking the easy way out until now.

    Does it make my incline walk any easier? I wish. But another month from now who knows where I’ll be. In the meantime, walking has helped me get back into studying Japanese and inspired me to start writing again (writing is one of the things I’ve avoided….). Not giving up on one thing I’m okay-ish at is the best thing I’ve done for my entire life. It brings so much more growth than leaning into things you are already amazing at.

  • I don’t like my friends significant others

    Okay I didn’t expect anyone to read what I wrote in my first post or any post thereafter so I’m coming out the gate with one of my hottest takes. I feel like a hater… but it’s how I feel.

    Some of them are just alright, while others are borderline making my friend’s lives worse. I want so much more than “alright” for them because: my friends are extraordinary, I think everyone deserves an extraordinary relationship, and I am worried they are settling for much less than they deserve. And the friends that have gotten out of these meh relationships are all the better for it. I care about my friends so much and I want them to have the very best.

    I keep this opinion to myself for obvious reasons, who am I to speak on someone else’s relationship. I am also the chronically single friend of my friend groups, and I understand how my opinion on the subject would not be wanted. Part of me thinks it’s a me issue, to have this strong of a feeling about every single one of my friends significant others. But then I actually found someone that did meet my expectations of how my friends should be treated in a relationship.

    When I see them together, it feels like a glimpse into something rare. It’s a completely different relationship dynamic than anything I had ever seen before and reenforces my belief that everyone can and deserves to feel the same.

    I put a lot of pressure on my own relationships because I am so critical (critical sounds too harsh but I can’t think of another word) of others. If I’m criticizing my friend for settling I can’t turn around and settle myself. I know that these are complicated situations and everyone views this stuff differently dependent on so many contributing factors. But for me, I feel no desire to be in a relationship unless it is of the caliber I’m setting for others, which is also why I’m happily single and am willing to stay that way. Staying single is also the easy way out for me, but that’s a story for another day 🙂

  • Why did I make this

    I have long since realized that I do not know myself. And I know why, I’ve just done nothing about it up until this point. In the past, it was unsafe to express myself so I learned from a very early age to suppress my thoughts and feelings to instead appease those around me. What I could not have realized is how lost it’s made me. My life does not feel fulfilling because I don’t know what I would like to do to fulfill it. The worst part is that I don’t even know where to start. So I’m starting with this.

    This blog will be used for me to express whatever comes to mind. I know I have opinions on things and I’m scared to even admit them to myself. So this blog will be a way for me to have my opinions and to share them in the way that feels safest for now, anonymously. Ultimately I want to get to the point of being able to put my identity to the words, but right now that is too scary.